ME ME ME OR HIM HIM HIM

I just got through typing on Beth's Blog for the Siesta Summer Bible Study. It hit me like a ton of bricks. As I listened to her name off some of the blogs she read and what struck her about them, all I could think of was will she talk about me me me!!! FAME!!!! A horrific idol. It never struck me before but I crave attention. I don't know why. I was adopted that supposedly plays a part in it for me. I was never liked as a kid even though I tried sooooooo hard to be cool and funny! I am certainly not popular as an adult either but OHHH how hard I try to be liked and favored. God is trying to tell me something... Ya THINK!!!

FAME is an idol because it is human attention I am craving and it should be God's!!! God has granted me the gift of song... I love to sing, but do I use it for His glory or mine. God has granted me a sense of humor (sarcastic at times but funny nonetheless). God has granted me the ability to write (grammar and spelling aside...) I love to write, but am I writing for His glory or mine. It is therapy for me, me, me, but I need to find how I can turn that into a help ministry. I have always wanted to use the trials in my life to help in some way. BELIEVE YOU ME I have been granted plenty of trials so I could help.

My desire is really to make a difference, but HOW! It sure isn't going to help having Me Me Me syndrome. So onward with Bible Study....onward toward defeating self and living for HIM HIM HIM!!!!

Love ya'll!!!

The Great Church Dilemma

I am appealing to my Siestas out there for advice, prayer and whatever else they care to offer. Here is the situation.

I am living in a small town (WAY SMALL). That probably says it all to some of you. As a big city girl, I found coming here to be a blessing, an escape, a peaceful kinda thang!!! I was warned early on by a few kind friends... be careful!!! Don't talk to anyone, don't let people know your business. Well, good grief, I really didn't think too much of it, because I learned a hard lesson long ago "The World Does Not Revolve Around Kristin"! I lived in big cities where my problems were insignificant to the masses. Well around here, boy howdy, I guess I could become "HEADLINES". The one place I felt safe discussing issues and problems became the one place that was the WORST! I have since stopped going to Church and, in fact, am seriously considering whether I really belong here or whether God has other things in mind.

While not going into too many details because this IS a small town and who knows who is reading this Blog, my private pain and personal life has been run through the gossip mill. Things that happened one way are being told in an entirely different way. In fact, I was told one specific person from my church congretation is telling other people "Stay away from her and her family." WOW!!! It sent me back to my school days when no one liked me and the harder I tried to be friendly the worse it got.

I am back to second guessing who I am and what my purpose is. I am sad, angry, frightened, confused and down right irritated all at the same time. I am also frustrated because being angry at being judged is making me JUDGE OTHERS!!! AGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!

What does scripture say about Church specifically? I still believe God is non-denominational despite attempts of Satan to the contrary. Do I have to go to Church? Can I homechurch??? Can I church hop? What do you do when your reputation is harmed and things are being said that are absolutely unfair and untrue? What do you do when the rumors contain truths that have been twisted? Do you fight back? Ask God for revenge? Ask God for mercy for them "for they know not what they do"?

This is a serious situation and frankly, I am scared to death. I hate sitting in church. I no longer enjoy worshipping and praising around these people. I feel watched and scrutinized and judged (and dear siestas it is NOT my imagination... I really am). One person even made a comment when I sent my children to church without me with my ex-husband..."Your kids have never behaved better!!!" OUCH! This person actually called me to let me know that my kids behaved better with me not there. Another person's child actually was rude to me at a social function and literally stared down her nose at me and turned her back and rolled her eyes when I said hello to her. This is what we are teaching our children by gossip. They hear what we say about others and then in public settings they behave in a completely inappropriate manner. Now I know this is a child but her behavior was UNBELIEVABLE. Do you tell the parent? Or do you act like a grown-up and ignore this ugliness like I am trying to teach my daughter? (Who by the way is getting snubbed too!!)

Maybe I am being petty and small, but these are just a few examples and there are LOTS more but they just don't bare repeating any further than what I have poured out to God.

The issue is what do I do? I am thankful for any comments and pray God will send me some wisdom through you!

Blessings to all!!!